With this month's ultra-endurance Race Across America, followed by the Tour Divide and the Great Divide mountain bike races, I thought there should be an extreme race for touring bicyclists.
There isn't one out there, as far as I know, so I decided to start one: The Tour de TransAmerica.
I've put together a set of rules that emphasize all the important aspects of bicycling touring — such as dodging road kill, fixing flats, cooking one-pot pasta meals. All we need is a sponsor, a website, and a director.
Tour de TransAmerica Rules:
1. Must use Adventure Cycling Association's TransAmerica Trail maps, either direction, connecting Yorktown, Virginia, with Astoria, Oregon.
A. Contestants must leave one section of the 12-map set at home and try to figure out a route using suggestions from people you meet along the way. Highway maps are not allowed.
2. Must carry way too much stuff. You must include a bulky sweater, 2 pair of blue jeans, and something stupid for cooking, like a cast iron skillet.
A. You will be allowed to send back one 10-pound package containing some of your “too much stuff” only after crossing the Appalachians or Rocky Mountains.
3. Must sustain three flats per week, at a minimum. One of those weekly flats must be discovered in the morning only after you've broken camp and packed your bicycle.
A. If you can't manage three flats per week, you'll have to administer one or more yourself.
4. Must sustain one broken spoke per week.
A. You will not be allowed to carry spare spokes until the third week of the race.
B. If you do not break a spoke, a race judge will do it for you, and will probably choose a spoke on your rear wheel.
5. Must endure the 10-mile road-kill obstacle course in Kentucky.
A. Various dead critters will be strewn across a hilly county road one week prior to contestants' arrival to give the carcasses the proper putrification. One point will be subtracted for hitting a carcass (two if bloated), and one point subtracted for gagging.
6. Must completely run out of money and have to find a Western Union office to arrange someone to “wire me some money.” Credit cards and debit cards are to be left at home, along with cell phones.
7. Must follow these rules for lodging:
A. Camp out five days a week, the majority of which are free.
a. The five camping sites must include one stealth camping site and one overpriced KOA-style campground that has an abundance of Winnebagoes and other motorcoaches.
B. One night a week in a motor court or motel that has an affiliated diner.
C. Meet a family on the road who offers to take you in for the night.
8. Must survive encounter with a dog.
A. To make the race interesting, a dog will be released by race judges at various points along the route. One point will be deducted for bicyclists who have to dig around in their handlebar bag for their pepper spray. Two points deducted for getting bit.
9. Must endure 3 days of dawn to dusk rain.
A. Cyclists who are not caught in three days of rainstorms, thereby getting thoroughly soaked, will have to repeatedly pass through a car wash until every item in their panniers is wet.
10. Must create and cook 10 different one-pot pasta meals.
A. Extra points will be given for incorporating food from dumpsters; double bonus for using road kill from No. 5.
Winners will be based on time on the road and bonus points given or lost.
Am I missing anything?
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