The latest wit and wisdom from Portland's Joe Kurmaskie, the Metal Cowboy. I've picked some of my favorite “You-might-be-a-cyclist if's:”
— You own more tights than a children's theater performing Peter Pan.
— You ring that bell for legitimate safety reasons, but the joy it brings seeing morning dog walkers seize up and scatter like quail is a nice fringe benefit.
— When styling professionals ask what product gets your hair to do that, you answer, “Helmet.”
— You've pedaled home balancing a case of bottled beer, two bags of tortilla chips, three avocados and a hostess snack pie on your handlebars.
— You don't care that your biker's tan is so jarring that parents grab up their children when you enter the public pool.
— Due to the plethora of bells, computers, gadgets and lights, there's no room left on your handlebars… for your hands.
— When approaching a rider from behind, you've thought, “I will attack until your lungs cease to function properly, you collapse in the gutter and call out for your grandma's quilted afghan.” Then offered a respectful nod as you blurred by.
— You spend most of the winter dressed like a Cirque Du Soleil performer and you don't even speak French.
— You think you may have contracted a rare blood disorder… no, it's just that you've turned into a late afternoon headwind.
— You've used your water bottle as drink holder, portable shower, squirt gun, doggy deterent and digging implement… on the same ride.
More “if's”
Joe says he's written up more than 300 of these that will be available on a daily calendar available in 2009. He's also offering a “blow-out book sale” of his works through the end of the year. E-mail him for details: mtcowboy at teleport dot com.
For those who live in the Seattle area, Joe is appearing tonight (Tuesday) at the downtown REI, 222 Yale St. at 7 p.m. The show is presented by the Cascade Bicycle Club, describes the event as part stand-up comedy, digital slideshow, rant, social commentary, and Irish Bard-style storytelling. Generally, the presentation is about his trip to northern Italy, but who knows where he'll end up.
You can check out the interesting stuff that Joe is into at his Metal Cowboy website.
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